


give these shaking hands a purpose *on hiatus*

by arachnophobic



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-06-25 16:25:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15644514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arachnophobic/pseuds/arachnophobic
Summary: pub·lic[ˈpəblik] adjectiveDone, perceived, or existing in open view





	1. hold my hands up, tell my story

And so they’re at the park.

Because Bucky has returned to as close to normal as he can be, given the circumstances, and he wanted to take Steve out. ‘Like the good old days,’ he had said softly one night. And whether he didn’t remember because of his situation or he was just choosing to forget, Steve wasn’t sure. Because there had never really been anything so public with them, it had been safer for them both that way. But Steve didn’t want to ruin the progress they had made.

And so they’re at the park. 

They’re sitting on a wooden bench in a secluded area, but not too secluded, and they’re enjoying each other and the warmth of the sun.

“Wish I had brought my camera , it’s beautiful out today,” Bucky says, linking his hands behind his head, “I don’t know if a camera could capture this though.”

And it really was. The sun was cutting through the trees and there was a gentle breeze that would come through every once in a while. Tourism had died down for the season so only a few people were left milling around, not paying any attention to the two. 

“Not too many days like today,” Steve says, his hands resting at his sides.

Bucky moves his hands out from behind his head and gently places one, his flesh one, over Steve’s. Steve forces himself not to flinch, not to pull his hand away because it’s just him and Bucky here but they’re outside, out in  _ public _ where there are other people, other people who could notice them at any second, could notice them and-

“Stevie?” Bucky says, eyebrows furrowed together and Steve tries to ignore the bullets of sweat running down his back. 

“Yeah?” Steve says, forcing his voice to sound calm, eyes watching for anyone who might be getting too close. 

“I was asking if you wanted to do like a picnic or a barbecue tonight, since it’s so nice out,”

“Oh, yeah we could do that,” Steve’s hand is starting to shake beneath Bucky’s.

“Are you okay? You seem-”

He doesn’t finish because then they both hear it:

“Mommy look, those boys are holding hands!”

The voice sounds far and there’s no way of knowing for sure who she’s talking about but it still cuts Steve right through to the core. He pulls his hand away like he’s been burned and he jumps up.

“Steve?” Bucky asks, confused.

“I- I’ll call you later,” Steve stammers as he walks on trembling legs as far away as he can get.

“Yeah. Later,” Bucky says quietly, watching him go.

"Later."


	2. and we've got poetry that's written on our unwashed hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> par·ty  
> [ˈpärdē] noun  
> A social gathering of invited guests, typically involving eating, drinking, and entertainment

And so they were on a date.

If it could even really be called that. Stark Industries had released some fancy new piece of tech and Tony had invited Steve to a party at the tower following the release. ‘Nothing too crazy,’ he’d said ‘you could bring a friend or a date if you want.’ And of course Steve had asked Bucky to come with him, as his friend or maybe as his date he isn’t really sure. Because Steve knows exactly what they are in the comfort of their apartment, but out among the others is when things start to get a little blurry. But Tony had said he could bring a friend  _ or _ a date. And really depending on who asked, Bucky could really be either. 

And so they were on a date.

Steve stands outside the elevator, his eyes glued to the floor as he runs his hands over the front of his shirt. Bucky stands inside the elevator, one hand on the door, not necessarily to hold it open since FRIDAY could do that, but more to remind Steve that he was still there. 

“You alright?” Bucky asks.

“I’m alright,” Steve says, looking up at him with a forced smile.

“We can leave if you want to,” Bucky offers, taking a step towards Steve.

“No no let’s um,” he lets out a shuddering breath, “let’s head up.”

Bucky steps back into the elevator and leaning back against the back railing. Steve slowly walks in and stands next to him. The door slides closed and the elevator starts to move upwards, much slower than usual thanks to FRIDAY. Steve is tapping his heel on the ground, tugging at his cuffed sleeves. 

“We can leave whenever you want to Steve, okay?” Bucky says to him, resisting the temptation to take hold of his hands. 

“I know,” he says, putting his hands on the railing. 

“They know we’re friends, it’ll be okay, alright?” Bucky reassures him, “but we can always leave.”

Steve nods silently, reaching his hand over and gently interlaces Bucky’s fingers with his. Bucky looks over at him, but Steve is staring straight ahead. The elevator slows as they reach the floor the party is on and Steve gently squeezes Bucky’s hand before pulling away. He takes a deep breath, mumbling a few ‘okay’-s to himself and pulls at his sleeves again. Bucky laces his thumbs under the place where his suspenders meet the top of his pants and glances over at Steve. The elevator stops with a ‘ding’, the doors slide open, and Steve and Bucky are immediately greeted by someone offering them both glasses of bubbling liquid, champagne maybe Steve thinks. They both politely take a glass and walk further into the room. There’s music playing softly that Steve doesn’t quite recognize and the room is dimly lit. He recognizes most of the people milling around but there are a few he doesn’t that he assumes are some of the people who had worked on the tech. He spots a group of people he recognizes and he walks towards them, Bucky following close behind. 

“Hey there he is,” Sam says from his place near Rhodey. 

“Hey Sam, hey Rhodey,” Steve says with a slight wave, “you remember Bucky right?”

“Of course, how ya doin' Bucky?” Rhodey asks, holding a hand out.

“Not too bad, this is a nice party,” Bucky says, shaking Rhodey’s hand. 

“Yeah Tony really pulls out all the stops when it comes to parties,” he says with a laugh.

“You should have seen his Christmas party a few years ago,” Sam adds.

Rhodey starts telling a story about one of Tony’s past parties, something about a pinata and a loaf of bread, but Steve isn’t really listening, giving a nod every now and then and laughing when the others do. His hand is trembling slightly, causing his champagne to slosh slightly each time he nervously takes a drink. 

“Breathe, Stevie,” Bucky whispers just loud enough for Steve with his enhanced hearing, using his glass to cover the movement of his mouth.

Steve finishes his champagne and excuses himself to get a new one. He takes a minute at the bar to catch his breath, running a hand over his face before heading back to the group, a glass of some different kind of alcohol (maybe whiskey, but Steve isn’t sure). A few more people have joined the group, Tony, Thor, and Bruce included, and they’re laughing loudly about something Tony just said.

“Ah! Rogers!” Thor said, his arm draped over Bruce’s shoulder, “Stark was just telling your partner here the story of how yo-”

“He isn’t my  _ partner _ ,” Steve interrupted, voice low and, thankfully, steady, “he’s just an old friend.”

“Woah Cap, no need to get shy about your boyfriend,” Tony said, one hand held up in a mock surrender.

“He isn’t my b-”

“I mean I like to think we’re pretty accepting here,” Tony interrupted, gesturing towards Rhodey, Sam, Thor and Bruce.

“I think you two make a great couple,” Bruce added.

“We should all go on a triple date sometime,” Rhodey said.

“As long as we don’t go to that one restaurant again,” Sam added, jabbing Rhodey in the side with an elbow, “I mean that server really couldn’t have looked more shocked to see two dudes on a date.”

“He isn’t my boyfriend,” Steve tries to say again, but it comes out quiet and strangled as he desperately tries to get in air.

“-always thought - two - together,”

“-tell us sooner? -that parade together,”

“-evie breathe,” 

Hands shaking.

Ice clinking. 

“When did - start dating? -fore or after - ‘being frozen’ thing?”

“Dude come on - know it - s cool back then.”

“Yeah, I bet - relieved - ublic about it now,” 

“-ice to have another gay coup - I really think tha-” 

Glass shattering.

_ Steve’s _ glass shattering.

Steve looks down at his shaking, bleeding hand then back up at the group before quickly walking towards the bathroom. 

“What the hell was that?” Tony asks Bucky who’s watching Steve leave.

“He doesn’t like parties,” Bucky says, not looking back at the group, “and we aren’t together.”

Bucky ignores the questions coming from the group and quickly goes towards the bathroom he saw Steve walking towards. 

“Steve?” he asks, gently tapping the door.

Steve doesn’t reply but opens the door only slightly, immediately putting his bleeding hand back under the running faucet. Bucky steps into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and takes a few paper towels from the dispenser. 

“Here let me help,” he says, holding his hand out.

Steve silently turns the water off and cautiously places his glass-covered hand in Bucky’s. 

“We can get the smaller pieces back at the apartment,” Bucky says, picking out some of the larger pieces and placing them on the counter, “just need ya to keep breathing Stevie.”

Steve just nods, his other hand curling and uncurling by his side as he tries to get his breathing back under control. They sit in silence, Bucky carefully picking pieces of glass out of Steve’s hand, Steve slowly getting his breathing under control.

“Buck,” he says, voice hoarse, “I’m sorry.”

Bucky’s hand pauses above Steve’s, eye’s shooting up to meet his.

“Steve this wasn’t, this isn’t,” he says, voice low, “Steve you don’t have to apologize.”

Steve gently shakes his head, a few tears running down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” he says again, almost desperately. 

“It’s okay, Stevie,” Bucky says with a sigh.

“I’m so sorry, Buck.”

“I know Stevie, I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you would like!  
> Chapter title is from Bottles and Cans by McCafferty

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you would like! The next section(s) should be longer!
> 
> Chapter title is from the song Hold Hands by McCafferty


End file.
